Certified!!!!

I am a certified candidate for ordained ministry in the United Methodist church ( well provisionally assuming my psych eval is ok and nothing comes up in my back ground check. I am super excited. I wasn't to nervous going in. Only a little bit. I feel like I answered the question honestly and with integrity. I think one of the members is less than thrilled with. This one person basically asked me if you have to be part of a church to follow Jesus .. my answer in a nut shell NO. Yes I think Church helps in many ways, but is not a requirement. I mean aren't we supposed to be promoting and encouraging faith spirituality and a relationship with God and not just the church?

But I still passed my DCOM .....One more step down about a million to go.....



HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE

My first DCOM meeting

For all of you who aren't Methodist DCOM stands for District Committee of (on?) Ordained Ministry. They are the first group of people who will decided rather or not I can be ordained. So I met with them for the first time yesterday. It was just a getting to know you meeting, so I wasn't to nervous. They asked me my call story, which I managed to leave out a chunk of ( so I guess i was a little more nervous then I thought). Then they asked the typical where did you go to undergrad?, what did you major in?, etc. The last question was what do you want us to know about you? this stumped me a little and then I came up with this: That my calling really is figure out some way to help my generation create a relationship with God then hopefully with the church. I talked about loss of the feeling of community etc.

I was feeling OK about how it went. I didn't think it was spectacular or anything. Then the chair of the committee came into to my pastor's office (the meeting was held at the church I attend) to fill out some paper work and I was sitting there and she paid me a really nice complement which totally caught me off guard. However, it made me realize that I really can do this. I have been feeling pretty good lately about the whole going into ministry thing anyway, but for the first time I really understood that this really is in me. I had a conversation with one of my friends about it and I related it this way. It's like at a job interview you go out of your way to impressive to the point were you almost try so hard to be yourself that you aren't. I didn't feel that way. I really felt like just being me was enough. Gosh, I really hope that I am not sounding cocky here. The reason why I am sharing is because I have never really had this feeling before. I've always felt like my successes were someone else's. While now I have this understanding of being fully capable of fulfilling my call I know that I will always always always be indebted to and in of the people in my support system [especially my mentor cause she rocks! ;-) ] and that they are part of the reason that I am capable. Thanks y'all

In a good spot

I have to say that I am in the best spot that I have been in a really long time. A large part of it has to do with the facts that I am finally able to take steps to get the candidacy process started. Yes I still have lingering questions about "The church" are policies and actions. Yet, there is this just something inside me that says this is still the place for you. This is the place where you can live out God's call for your life. That taking this possibility is going to make you happy and be fruitful. A large part f that comes form classes this semester and hearing that these thoughts that I have had for a long time others have had, and are valid theological. Another part of that comes from so many people who are in ministry that these questions are OK to have and in some cases even good to have. Third I feel much better about myself. I feel better about my own identify. I don't feel like I have to fit into some mold. There is no mold that will make my a better friend, pastor, daughter, PERSON, etc. The only thing that i can be is me. Me has to be enough and if it's not well there is nothing I can do about it so I need to move on to the next thing.

Now I know that this feeling may not last forever. that my questions nerves and doubts on occasion are going to rear their ugly head. I will need to live in those moments and see what comes out of them.

I just have to say thank you to the wonderful people around me who listen to me and support me as i drift from one emotion to another and still love me just the same.

Inside or outside

To stay and fight from within the church or to fight the injustices of the church from the outside is the question. We talked about heterosexism in Social process today and it just sends me into a state of confusion. How do I become a part of an institution that for so many years on this issue and so many other issues has done nothing but perpetuate stereotypes and encourage discrimination against a minority? I want to serve God not simply serve a denomination. However I really like Wesleyan theology, and therefore like a lot of the teachings of the United Methodist church, but their stance on LGBTQ community is just insane. It is just was insane as there being a central conference for Blacks.

I have known from the beginning that this issue was going to be a struggle for me. I have known the question form the beginning has been fight from the inside or the out? And it used to be very clear to me that the answer was fight from the inside. But is that being hypocritical? I can't think of a better example but I feel in some ways that it is the equivalent of me joining the KKK. And I realize the Church is not the KKK, but we are doing similar damage. Even if we aren't doing our members are doing it in the Name of God.

I want change. I want not to feel angry with the church or with God. I just don't get it. Do we see the hurt and pain that we have caused. People argue and argue that in the eyes of God this is a sin. That their actions are justified by God. Well supposedly as Christians we are supposed live as Jesus lived... can someone please show me somewhere in the Bible where Jesus oppresses the oppressed? The only time Jesus comes close to oppressing anybody is the money changers in the Temple. The money changers who were taking advantage of people.

Maybe this is me letting myself off the hook. But last i checked it was only up to God to decide who is sinning, not me, not a pastor, not the pope, not a bishop, but God. God makes that decision. Hey folks wake up! We want our lives to be simpler well you can take this burden off your back. Stop trying to judge other people's sin.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me still loving theology school. Still struggling with hard questions. Knowing for dang sure that God has called me to this. Still questing what I got myself into when I accepted this call. Wondering what exactly I am supposed to do with this call. Wondering if with this thoughts and opinions like these if I will ever get ordained?

I really believe God loves us ALL I just wish I could get the Church to spread that message and mean it.

(editor's Note: I do not feel that the church is close to being the KKK this post with written with a lot of emotion. I just feel as though it my be hypocritical for me to become a leader in an organization that openly discriminates against a group of people)