I have to say that I am in the best spot that I have been in a really long time. A large part of it has to do with the facts that I am finally able to take steps to get the candidacy process started. Yes I still have lingering questions about "The church" are policies and actions. Yet, there is this just something inside me that says this is still the place for you. This is the place where you can live out God's call for your life. That taking this possibility is going to make you happy and be fruitful. A large part f that comes form classes this semester and hearing that these thoughts that I have had for a long time others have had, and are valid theological. Another part of that comes from so many people who are in ministry that these questions are OK to have and in some cases even good to have. Third I feel much better about myself. I feel better about my own identify. I don't feel like I have to fit into some mold. There is no mold that will make my a better friend, pastor, daughter, PERSON, etc. The only thing that i can be is me. Me has to be enough and if it's not well there is nothing I can do about it so I need to move on to the next thing.
Now I know that this feeling may not last forever. that my questions nerves and doubts on occasion are going to rear their ugly head. I will need to live in those moments and see what comes out of them.
I just have to say thank you to the wonderful people around me who listen to me and support me as i drift from one emotion to another and still love me just the same.