I just realized that I love my parents and i know in their own strange way that they love me, but they just zap the life right out of me. A large part of that is because I spend my time trying to be the daughter they want me to be or the daughter that they think I am. They just have no idea of who I am or the changes that have occurred in my life. Partly because I don't let them in on it and partly because when I do let them in on it I feel like I'm being attacked.
My dad is trying to really supportive in this whole becoming a pastor process. But he just doesn't get it. And everyone keeps telling me he never will. But getting him to understand that is hard. The problem is he is really trying and I get frustrated because I'm explaining it as best I can and he just can't make the leap. Partly because I think he struggles with his own faith, and thinks I can be the one to guide him through and I just can't be.
My mom, I just don't know where she is. She doesn't react outwardly that often and when she doesn't I often see it as a negative. I;'m not sure that is fair to her. In fact i know it's not. There is just so much history there. For a long time ( and passably still) there was a lot of jealously there. Never said but completely understood. She too struggles in her faith journey. I think she wants to go there but something holds her back. I'm just not sure what it is. Nor do I think I can be the one to help her either.
I always tell people I'm a product of my parents they raised me to be different from them but they didn't really know what they were actually doing. I am really different from them. It's hard sometimes I really don't know what to do with that. I am happy I am the person I am, it's just hard that I can't fully explain / share that with my parents.