Parents

I just realized that I love my parents and i know in their own strange way that they love me, but they just zap the life right out of me. A large part of that is because I spend my time trying to be the daughter they want me to be or the daughter that they think I am. They just have no idea of who I am or the changes that have occurred in my life. Partly because I don't let them in on it and partly because when I do let them in on it I feel like I'm being attacked.

My dad is trying to really supportive in this whole becoming a pastor process. But he just doesn't get it. And everyone keeps telling me he never will. But getting him to understand that is hard. The problem is he is really trying and I get frustrated because I'm explaining it as best I can and he just can't make the leap. Partly because I think he struggles with his own faith, and thinks I can be the one to guide him through and I just can't be.

My mom, I just don't know where she is. She doesn't react outwardly that often and when she doesn't I often see it as a negative. I;'m not sure that is fair to her. In fact i know it's not. There is just so much history there. For a long time ( and passably still) there was a lot of jealously there. Never said but completely understood. She too struggles in her faith journey. I think she wants to go there but something holds her back. I'm just not sure what it is. Nor do I think I can be the one to help her either.

I always tell people I'm a product of my parents they raised me to be different from them but they didn't really know what they were actually doing. I am really different from them. It's hard sometimes I really don't know what to do with that. I am happy I am the person I am, it's just hard that I can't fully explain / share that with my parents.

Friday five.. Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving... In particular order here is who and what I am thankful for in no particular order ....

1. School ( Drew Theological Seminary)

2. Michelle

3. The Walters

4. Andrea

5. My call

Organic Part II

Ok so I wanted to post more about this yesterday, but I didn't get to it, and truthfully right now I really should be cleaning my Apartment, but I had to post this. So yesterday Peter Rollins the author of How (Not) To Speak of God ( ihaven't read it yet but after listening to him speak i'm sure it's good) was at school. He spoke at chapel and the did a book talk afterward. And I saw what worship could be. He started this faith experience in Belfast Ireland, at a pub, where people come to worship and to experience God. It just looked and sounded amazing. It's consider to be part of the emergent church movement. I'm not quite ready to jump on to that label yet (partly due to my generational rejection of labels), but it sounds more and more exciting. I share the fear that Peter expressed to us in his talk that the Emergent church label runs the risk of being comercialized or exploited. But it seems to be more and more what church should be. How I want to be able to help people experience God.

I also checked out the website The Ooze. There is some really great discussions going on there. People talking from all different perspectives of faith.

Just the other day we were talking about constructive theology in class. A lot of my classmates wanted to talk about the dangers of people constructing their own theologies. Yes there are dangers, but what about the good stuff. The developing of one's faith. Developing a deep connection with God that come out of thought, questions and experience. What a wonderful feeling.

I see where Christianity should be , where it should go. We need to go back to our roots.

Organic

Hopefully I'll be able to post more on this soon... but that is what we need to get back to. Organic church experiences

Blogging

Sorry my blogging has been very lack luster lately.... I've just been busy with school and church stuff. It's a good busy though! Hopefully I'll have something fun and interesting to post about soon. The next two weeks I'm preaching so I'm excited for that. This Sunday I'm preaching a mini-sermon for Laity Sunday and next week I am preaching for Chirst the King Sunday
That's about all the is exciting right now!

Friday five

Those of us who are in the United States have just been through quite a topsy-turvy election. During the campaign we heard a fair amount about red states and blue states, when in fact most of us live in some shade of purple. And so... a lighter look at those confounding colors:

1. Favorite red food... strawberries and rasberries

2. Tell us about the bluest body of water you've ever seen in person.

3. It's movie rental time: Blue Planet, The Color Purple, or Crimson Tide? the color purple

4. What has you seeing red these days? close minded people

5. What or who picks you up when you're feeling blue? I have lots of lovely people in my life who pick me up

Good Things Happening at Seminary

I have to say we are more then half-way through the semester, and this experience has been such a blessing so far. It's seems funny to me that people have a fear of losing their faith in seminary. I guess I can understand where that could come from, but for me so far this has been nothing but a spiritually enriching experience. I have met amazing people, had the most amazing discussions, and even learned a think or two in class. Yes, there is a ton of reading and work to be done. And yes it can be overwhelming, and yes there have been a few times when I have said to myself why the heck am I here, but even in all that it has been a joy.

I simply can not get over the depth of the conversations we are having. Especially conversations on race. Race is almost becoming a four letter word around here these days. Particularly for the non-minority students. It sound as though they feel as if they are being blamed for actions that they had no control over. It is true they had no control over them. I agree we need to stop living in the past. But that is not to say that we should forget about it either. Being at Drew has allowed me to see so many side of this conversation. And has allowed and encouraged me to embrace my biracial heritage. To not have to hide or favor one side or the other.

I was struggling very heavily that identity for a very long time. The struggle is by no means over, but not I have realized it ok to feel uncomfortable. Along with that it is ok just to say this is ME, this is Who I AM, I can't change it and I don't want to change, and I don't need to fit into a constructed racial identity. I think that if we would stop trying to put people in boxes as a way to understand them we could make progress in our ( the world's) discussion on race.